Day 3 back surgery 2nd update.

2nd update for Thursday


Avri is doing much better tonight than she was when I first saw her today. She had asked for her sisters a few times so Matt brought them up as soon as they got out of school. As funny as I have tried to be… I have not been able to produce the smile that seeing her sisters did. Avri held out her hands and just wanted to hold their hands and hear all about their first days of school. Of course the big question they all want to know is if Avri is taller than me now. Avri says “yes…I am so much taller than her that I look down and see the tops of her shoulders” (she was on a step) although I think she may have been looking down on me just a little bit when she stepped off onto the floor. I am sure as soon as she can walk the first thing will be to go measure. Hattie asked her if she felt like this surgery was worth it to be straight. Avri said “ummm NO …because now I can’t even move!”

As for me…I am doing good. I have been told “I am a strong woman” a few times. I have to say…I am not stronger than anyone else out there. We all at different times in our lives are faced with different challenges and they are all equally as hard. I look around this hospital. I see kids missing body limbs, some are bound to wheel chairs and some are in full body casts. I think how temporary some of my elements with Avri are and I am so grateful for the good times in between the trying times. I look around up here and think to myself “I don’t know how that mom does it.” I truly have it breezy compared to others.

I walked the girls out to the car tonight. I told them all goodbye, gave them hugs and kisses and put them in the car. By the time I had hugged and kissed Matt I looked back in the car at them and they were all silently sobbing. Giant tears running down their faces. My heart sank and the tears welled up. Then I switched it off told them to be brave and that I would make grandma sleep up here tomorrow, they all laughed and found comfort in that thought. As I was walking back in the hospital I thought to myself how many times today I have shut down the tears and pulled myself back together. “I think I am part robot” and I guess today I am grateful for that. I also know I draw strength from my father in heaven. Honestly in this situation there is no other explanation. I think of the poem of the foot prints in the sand. I like to think of 2 sets of prints I would rather walk side by side and just draw comfort in knowing I am not alone. I am sure those times when I want to fall to the floor because my breath has been taken away, my heart hurts and my legs are about to give out some one catches me and carries me until I recover. It is an unexplainable feeling. I can say I have tried to walk alone in the past. I have wanted to walk alone and I certainly thought I would never be carried. I personally believe life was not meant to be lived that way.