Mom is falling apart 2/5/1997

I was so worried about Avri. I would stay in the ICU until they kicked me out at night and I came back as soon as I was allowed back in. I knew that I was not feeling well, I knew I was in a great amount of pain from my c-section but then again I had just been cut open. I had no idea that I was in more pain than usual. I remember holding Avri, my mom at my side and thinking "I am going to throw up" so I told my mom I was going to go to the bathroom. I did not tell her what I really felt like because I wanted her to stay. She was so worried already! I walked to the nearest bathroom. I still could not walk straight up because it hurt so bad! I closed the bathroom stall. I remember looking down at my pants and seeing a blood like fluid all over the front of them and everything went black. My mom said I was gone for almost an hour before she found me in the bathroom lying on the floor. She crawl under the door and got me up. I don't remember! She took me to the ER. The next thing I remember was being in so much pain that I wanted to die. They were opening my c-section. They had not given me any pain med's. My great mother stepped in and protested that they stop until I had some thing for the pain. I was given a shot of morphine, I don't remember it helping. Some one finally got the senses and injected a some thing, so I was finally numb enough not to feel what they were doing to me. I left a couple hours later. The doctors opened my c-section back up, they stuffed it full of gauze, and told my mom to change it once a day. They said to have it looked at when I got back to my home town. That night I was so cold. I had never been that cold in my entire life. Low and behold I was drug back to the ER. I had a temp of almost 105. I had an infection now. I don't remember anything else until the next morning. I was standing in the shower wishing, wishing , wishing I had a gun. I was in so much pain. I would have ended it right then and there if I could have. The gauze was full of puss and blood and was stuck and trying to fall out and pulling at every nerve ending I had. I think I passed out again. The next thing I remember was laying on the bed both my mom and I crying as she tried to change out this gauze that was glued to me by my own fluids. We made it. The new gauze was put in and covered and back up to the hospital we went! Avri was released later that day! We made the long 6 hour drive home. I was told she had to spend a great amount of time in her car seat in an up right position. I think I just held her in an upright position more than anything. I don't remember much about the next month. I know Avri cried from sun down to sun up. I know I cried most of that time right along with her. I never did get stichted back up turned out I had got staff infection and was going to heal from the inside out. My mother took care of me and changed that gauze for a good 6 weeks before it had healed enough. I was sick in and out for the next 6 weeks. I was on such a strong anti biotic that I would pump and throw the milk away so when my milk was clean again I could nurse Avri. I was a new young mother and I was lost and still scared but I knew what was best for my baby!